& Things / Life

Loving Me

Loving me

Diary dearest,

It’s been a minute! I know my thoughts will be safe on your pages and my lessons immortalized in the text.

Isn’t it amazing how epiphanies take one by surprise?

Some may call them; aha moment, light bulb moment, eye opener and so on. You know this thing! And you’re certain you have worked on it before. The lack of progress has convinced you that you have arrived at your destination and you get comfortable until… WHAM! You’re transported into a whole new dimension.

I have written about celebrating self in a previous blog post and truly thought I had conquered the nasty demon called insecurity. Recently, after a late lunch with a familiar stranger, I was challenged about my clothes style and decided to do something radical about it. I went shopping! I chose all the clothes I would never have chosen before and allowed my inner girl freedom for those 60 minutes.

The aftermath…

Armed with a green bag full of clothes, I went back to my room determined to put my misgivings about new clothes to rest. I squelched the feeling of fear rising up in my throat and wore my first ever pallazo pants and boho off shoulder blouse. For most, this might not be astounding but for the t-shirt and shorts loving tomboy out there, you understand how I felt.

The weather was my friend for most of the morning as I stayed in a hoodie using the cold as an excuse. It was not long before the sun came out and it became too hot to keep it on. I wanted to show off my outfit too I realized. So I whipped the jumper off and fluffed out my hair (okay they are braids so more arranging than fluffing) all while on a moving motorcycle.

As I lay on my bed later that afternoon in my trusty shorts and shirt, I could not help but think to myself that I had not been so bad after all. I had received compliments about my style and I actually felt confident and boho-beautiful. The part I had failed to muster the strength for was the photos. My heart seized up at the thought of posing for a photo. The muscles in my neck and shoulders tensed up to the point of pain and insecurity reared her ugly head once again.

Anyway…

I took the picture mainly because I needed advice on the outfit but also because I had no intention of posting it. The next day went much the same way with a different pallazo pants outfit, compliments and confidence until the pictures came.

I looked at the image that was supposed to be me and almost hurled. Miss Love-yourself-for-who-you-are could not dredge up even one positive comment about her own picture and WHAM…the epiphany struck.

I am still insecure about my looks…

The thought came with the feeling of my heart sinking in despair at the looming mountain ranges before me. I had scaled the weight mountain, hiked the rocks of self-condemnation and swam across the raging river of low esteem. Where had this insecurity been hiding?!

Could it be that I had lulled myself into a false sense of victory? Had I gotten too lax in my thought checking? Or had I just missed it, ignored it, chosen to forget about it because I was afraid that it would be too painful to deal with?

The answer…

Between you and I, sweet one, I think it is the latter and neither of the former. Time had come for me to step up and take the last battle that would secure my victory in this war. With knocking knees and a thundering heart, I have embarked on a journey of loving me.

New clothes, new styles, pictures, jewelry; I am on a mission! The world sees the beauty that I am and I want to see it too.

So, diary dearest, I write with a little tremor of fear-bordering-excitement coursing through me for tomorrow a new outfit awaits!

Until next time,

Sheelz

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